Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Secret Decoder Ring (Obama edition, Volume Three)

It's a yearly tradition: Barack Obama gives his back-to-school speech to the nation's schoolchildren, and I find the secret messages craftily hidden in the texts. I think this year is his most radical yet:
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. (Applause.) ThAnk you very muCh. EverybOdy, please have a seat. Well, Madam PResideNt, that was an outstanding introduction. (Laughter.) We are so proud of Donae for representing this school so well.
And in addition, I also want to acknowledge your outstanding principal, who has been here for 20 years - First as a teacher, nOw as an outstanding pRincipal - Anita BErger. Please giVE heR a big round of applause. (Applause.) I want to acKnowledge, as well, Mayor Gray Is here - the mayor of Washington, D.C. is here. PLease give him a big round of appLause. (Applause.) And I also want to THank somEbody who is going to go down in histoRy as one of the fInest SeCcretaries of Education tHat we’ve ever had - Arne Duncan is here. (Applause.)
Now, It is great to be here at BenjAMin BAnneker High SChooL, one of the best high schools not only in WAShington, D.C., but one of the beSt high schools in the country. (Applause.) But We’ve Also got students tuning in fRom all acRoss AmerIca. And sO I want to welcome you all to the new school yeaR, although I know that many oF you alReady have been in schOol for a while. I know that here at Banneker, you’ve been back at school for a few weeks now. So everything is starting to settle in, just like for all your peers all across the country. The fall sports season is underway. Musicals and marching band routines are starting to shape up, I believe. And your first big tests and projects are probably just around the corner.
I Know that you’ve also got a grEat deal goiNg on outside of school. Your circle of friends might be chAnging a little bit. Issues that used to stay confined to hallways or locker rooms are now finding their way onto Facebook and Twitter. (Laughter.) Some of your faMilies might also be feeling the strain of the economY. As many of you know, we’re GOing through one of the toughest economic times thAt we’ve gone through in our Lifetime - In my lifetime. Your lifetime haSn’t been that long. And so, as a consequence, you might have to pick up an after-school job to help out your family, or maybe you’RE babysitting for a younger sibling because mom or dad is working an extra shift.
So all of you have a lot on your PlAtes. You guys aRe growing up fAsTer and Interacting with a wider wOrld in a way that old folks like me, fraNkly, just didn’t have to. So today, I don’t want to be just another adult who stands up AND lectureS yOu like you’re just kids - beCause you’re not just kIds. You’re this country’s future. You’re young leaders. And whether we fALl behInd or race ahead aS a nation is going to depend in large part on you. So I want to talk to you a little bit about Meeting that responsibility.

I'd give you more, including the big reveal on who actually wrote Dreams from My Father, but I'm sort of afraid of the authorities wanting to shut me down. Or some wacko site picking it up and running with it. I'll tell you  -- I don't know why conservatives have given up on this fight; he's clearly indoctrinating the youth of America. It's like a whole generational cohort of sleeper agents for radical socialist anti-colonialism.


  1. The punchline of Obama era conservatism is going to come on Romney's inauguration day when all right-wing outlets simultaneously forget everything they've been screaming about since 2008 and all begin shouting IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA! They will then keep pushing that narrative until a) 2016 or b) the GOP manages to cause the Greater Depression. Whichever happens first.

  2. Wow! Thanks. Listening to the plain-vanilla speech the President seemed to deliver caused me to fear he was already going off his new populist-y message. You've reassured me.

  3. Satire is only funny if it is at least marginally exaggerated.

  4. Totally O/T, but has there ever been a 45 minute window in which so much memorable baseball stuff happened?

  5. What's worse is that when the class recited the Pledge of Allegiance, Obama had his hand over his heart, with the middle finger extended. And when they got to the "under God" bit, Obama rolled his eyes and muttered sotto voce "Yeah, right."

  6. Didn't you mean "Dakota Ring"? I've heard that there's a hidden bust of Obama on Mount Rushmore through which African spirits are channeling these messages directly into our brains.

  7. The opening line of Anna Karenina is, famously, "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way". Similarly, all competent public figures are motivated alike; each incompetent one is motivated in his own way.

    An illustration: this fine blog has talked at length about Obama's failings at appointments, with a myriad of speculated reasons. Maybe Republicans are intransigent, maybe he doesn't care...and, who knows, maybe he's even actively hostile to the process? Hard to be completely certain, unless of course he does his job effectively, in which case his motive is transparently certain: an intention to perform his duties well.

    All of which is to say that the satire in this post only works well to the extent that Obama works well. FWIW. YMMV.

  8. So Jonathan, this can't be a correct decoding. Where's the bit about the need to impose sharia law?

  9. Furthermore, if you play the speech backwards, you can clearly hear the POTUS declare "I am your foreign-born Muslim socialist overlord!"


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.

Who links to my website?