Friday, February 24, 2012

Future Rick Santorum Issues

Rick Santorum’s latest effort to prove he’s in the mainstream is an accusation that Barack Obama wants kids to go to college because…American colleges are “indoctrination mills” and they’ll all lose their religious faith if they attend. I’d like to say something about this, but both Kevin Drum and Ed Kilgore really have it covered, so I’ll just try to stay ahead of the curve by predicting future Rick Santorum discoveries:

1. Starbucks is pretty obviously brainwashing Americans, what with their foreign drink sizes and pagan symbolism.

2. Soccer: why are the secularists foisting on us a sport played mainly in heathen nations such as Brazil and Mexico?

3. Cable companies, with their bundling policy, forcing regular Americans to have IFC, BBC America, and other weird anti-Christian TV in their homes.

4. I’m really not all that sure about whether water parks promote good, clean, wholesome values. Are you?

5. We all know that cosmopolitan liberal elites have run Hollywood from the start, but what’s with all the pantheistic junk they’re serving up now? Thor? Really?

6. Now, I’m not saying that HOV lanes and energy standards for refrigerators are Satan’s handiwork, but there’s every chance that they are. Better safe than sorry.

7. Everyone knows that Ikea is mainly a plot to force Americans to stay home on Sundays assembling bookshelves and cabinets instead of going to church, right? Insidious.

Granted, what I’d really like to hear is what Santorum thinks about rap music, but we can’t have everything, can we?

12 comments:

  1. Hahahahaaa this is great!! Awesome post. Rick Santorum really makes me laugh. I'm really glad I found your blog!

    -Ashley
    http://theleftfeelssoright.blogspot.com

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  2. Well, I hope he doesn't allow his children to watch Sesame Street; there are monsters there, a training ground for demon worshiping.

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  3. Soccer: why are the secularists foisting on us a sport played mainly in heathen nations such as Brazil and Mexico?

    Keep in mind that Carnaval is a holiday originally conceived as an opportunity to sow one's wild oats prior to six weeks' of ascetic living during lent.

    While the average Jose may not actually live up to the ascetic ideal of lent, its vanishingly unlikely that a Catholic like Santorum would refer to the Brazilians as "heathens".

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    1. Well, okay, forget Brazil and Mexico. But soccer is also very popular in France and Italy!! ;)

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    2. Or how about going all-in with Axis of Evil/Recent World Cup sides Iran and North Korea? (I seem to recall we played those Iranians in a World Cup preliminary round match a few years back; in soccer parlance, would that be an "un"friendly? :)

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  4. I can't even get my students to read the syllabus, let alone the readings. How am I supposed to indoctrinate them in anything?

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    1. This should be said every time the indoctrination thing comes up. Perfect.

      Though I think Santorum does have a point. But he comes at it from the wrong direction. The good, wholesome christians that go off to college experience a very different world than the sheltered one they likely came from. Just that change in lifestyle and interacting with different people is probably what is causing changes, not the fact that some classes make you read Marx.

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  5. How about a constitutional congress to get rid of the amendments he doesn't like (19th?) and ratify the ones that we really need, like: there is no right to privacy.

    About the indoctrination mills, eh, somewhat, but mostly hype. The worst part is that the kids get away from the home-based indoctrination mills. That's what shouldn't be allowed.

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  6. I hope people accept point 1 and never go to Starbucks. Anything to stop people from going there. They have rats in their coffees.

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  7. He can no longer stay in the GOP, once he realizes the party is run by non-Christian idolotrists! Haven't you heard? Elephants are worshipped as gods in India!

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  8. Mr. Bernstein,

    On the music thing isn't your brother a reporter? Ask him to go ask the Senator about rap music as part of a larger story on Presidential candidates and music.

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  9. Actually, your prediction about Thor is behind the times. There was a freak-out on several right-wing sites when it was revealed that Heimdall was to be played by a person of imperfect whiteness. Such a tender concern they have for authentic renditions of Norse myth!

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